Going back downstairs to our own private New Years Eve party for two.
We don’t really know anyone in this town yet to have a real party with. I suppose that one of these days we should get out of our newlywed shell and actually meet people.
So. In an hour and a half (or so) it will be another year.
Really doesn’t feel like it. How can an entire year have gone by already?
So. Sitting here. One in the morning on the computer.
My usual place.
My hairs in a braid. I wear it down most of the time. Just lately I’ve been playing with it.. putting it up. Braiding it then taking it down. Up in a bun. Down. Back in a braid.
Boredom.
I’ve got a new coat of nail polish on. Kind of lumpy and streaky. Looks bad. Would have been better had I left it off.
I’ve changed my nail color four times in the past two days.
Boredom.
Why am I so crabby and cranky? I snap at M. whenever he talks to me. Simple statments. He just wishes I wouldn’t spend all my time in front of the computer. Wishes I would go downstairs and spend some time with him.
And yet, here I sit.
Hm..
Did it again.
Put in a load of laundry. Headed up the stairs and jumped in the shower. No water pressure. Big surprise.
Will I never learn?
I’d meant to write a journal entry today.. but since I don’t think I will get around to it at this point I will say it here: Merry Christmas! Happy holidays!
Ooo… I don’t feel so good. Too many chocolate santas. Bad. Very bad.
I’m off to the mall for some last minute Xmas shopping. Mall. Only decent one in town. One in the afternoon. Last Saturday before Christmas. This is not going to be fun.
Wish me luck.
It’s very sweet of my darling husband to bring me doughnuts in the morning.. or it would be anyway if I hadn’t asked him half a dozen times not to without asking me if I want them first. If he brings them home I will eat them and I have gained to much weight since I moved up here to be eating any more doughnuts for a while.
I’m just about back to sleeping a normal person’s hours instead of a crazy stay up all night sleep all day schedule. Going to bed at seven or eight in the morning and sleeping into the afternoon was my schedule for a while. I finally realised that I was just not going to start going to bed any earlier and so started going to bed later instead.
A few nights ago I stayed up past my normal eight in the morning bed time intending to stay up all day and go to bed in the evning. I made it ’till three then slept ’till eleven at night. This didn’t seem to be that bad of a plan so the next day I went to bed at five in the afternoon and slept ’till two in the morning. Last night I went to bed at eight and slept ’till about three-thirty this morning. Tonight I will probably go to bed around ten and sleep ’till six or so. Yay! Maybe I will actually be a morning person for a while. That would be neat.
Um. Well. Yes.
Or, no.
There isn’t any real reason why I haven’t been writing/updating. I’ve been meaning to start again ever since I quit. But first I kept feeling that I needed to explain why my blogging hiatus suddenly happened. I planned out these entry’s about how I was feeling and blah blah blah and whatever else. And I dreaded actually writing it down.
So I’m not going to. This is as much as you get for now because if I wait ’till I feel like explaining it I’ll never be back.
Nothing particularly bad has happened. Nothing particularly good either. Really not much at all..
But I am trying to be back now. And from this point on I am just going to kind of pretend I never stopped. Any thoughts I had of going back and outlining the last month are going out the window. If there is something I feel is worth writing about I suppose I will get to it eventually. But not now. And no promises.
All I can say is that I am sorry for leaving off like that.
But I am back now.
Sometimes I suffer from monstrous self doubt.
I don’t really know anything. Can’t do anything right. Can’t even force myself to finish what I start.
I didn’t feel this way last spring when I was still in school.. Or at least not so much so.
I check the mail every day hoping to get stuff back from the government saying that I can work and go to school in Canada.. but at the same time I dread it. I don’t want to look for a job up here. I don’t want to start a new job. What if everyone hates me? What if I fail?
I don’t want to go to school up here.. I want to go back to my friendly Portland State where I know the profressors or at least know of the professors and know that I can get A’s.. I know what’s expected of me. What if they expect something different here? What if I am not always the one with the highest test scores here. What if I fail?
I know there are many A’s and things well done in my past.. but it’s kind of hard to remember more about them than that they exist.
The stupid things that I have done - they are all clear in my mind.